Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mind the cold weather but I'm ready for my wife to start shaving her pubes again!

   Female president? Maybe when they rename it the Oval Kitchen.

   now listed as single but in a relationship,its complicated.

   clapping her hands and stomping her feet because she is happy and she knows it.

   What has 148 teeth and can hold back the Hulk? My Zipper :]

   Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? (A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there, {C} Can't Complain! (D) Damn! (DD) Double Damn! (E) Enormous! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H)Help me, I've fallen

   I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from.

   why do people on Facebook make a effort out of telling everybody in a huge paragraph how bad & boring their day was to make people feel sympathetic...Get over it, everybody has their bad days but maybe it would be better if you kept it to yourself.

   What where Abe Lincoln's first words after he woke up from a three day bender? " I FREED WHO?"

   Ex-president Bush blamed BP for the disaster off the coast of Louisiana. Later he recanted saying "He thought BP stood for Black President."

   Parents, I need some advice please. What's the right age to explain to children that FOX news isn't real? Thanks

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car....

   Yo guys. Ever see a really good looking pregnant woman, and think of how good the sex must have been?

   FYI Atheist do not have to thank anyone for Friday because Friday is a free natural phenomenon.

   Instead of the government giving out free birth control, they should issue every woman a Nancy Pelosi mask. That would work better and cost less.

   Objects in butt hole feel bigger than they appear.

   My boyfriend came home from work upset and asked me to console him, I hit him over the head with his XBox

   I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

   quit critiquing dumb ass, it is a joke.

   I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it