Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two things you'd say to a cat but never to a woman: "Stop licking me." "Get your b utthole away from my face."

   My wife walked in the room with crotchless panties and said eat this. I said hell no look what it did to your underwear.

   Just watched Kill Bill volume 1, couldn't hear a thing.

   Couples Advice: never go to bed angry. Stay awake for weeks, slowly going insane as your body and mind collapse in on themselves.

   I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

   Today's IDGAF award goes to the guy who named the fireplace.

   My therapist told me I need to live every day as if it were my last. So, here I sit, eating a pint of my favorite ice cream and weeping.

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.

   If I've offended you, you need more help than I do.

   I have auto-correct for my voice. It's called my girlfriend.

   Dennis Rodman is visiting the Vatican as it elects a new pope. This doesn't sound good.

   All voicemail systems tell you the date and time of the message, so can you please, please, please stop telling me what time it is.

   That speech made me do the Carlton Dance :)

   Day 10 - I am thankful for toilet paper... no explaination needed.

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   you should be less concerned with my spelling & grammar & more concerned with the fact that i'm sleeping with your sister/mum/wife/pet/sock.

   You know a girl is serious when they say your name in a text.

   Heard Chris Brown was dating twins, I guess that is what he meant when he said he had some fresh new beats....

   Sign of the time's! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating-up our kids.

   If you teach sex ed, it's good to tell kids the feelings they're having are normal, but funnier to single one out and mouth "Except yours."