Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.

   When I won the Lotto, I decided to share it with my ex. "I won the Lotto, you Slut," I shouted over the phone.

   Maybe guys should start drawing on their mustaches like women draw on their eye brows.

   Florida Folks: "♫ ♫ We have joy, we have fun, we have seasons in the sun. ♫ ♫" Up North Folks: "F**k you, Florida."

   When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. No one could imagine why he was my friend.

   why is my check engine light coming on?? I know my engine is there because I just put oil in my radiator

   Sometimes wish that I was a kitchen, then maybe women would understand me.

   Jesus would have made a great lifeguard.

   I think Waldo is sitting beside the G-spot with all the missing socks and laughing his ass off.

   Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2012 was like.

   Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash.

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat in a Port-A-Potty...is a warm one.

   I just gave the guy who called with the wrong number and woke up my newborn the Liam Niesen speech from Taken.

   I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

   I have a really sexy body and you can have your way with it if you help me bury it afterwards.

   He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a taco drink He drinks a pizza drink – me with a broken jaw

   It doesn't matter who you vote for, what matters is who counts the votes.

   Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

   People make fun of Gary Johnson for not knowing what Aleppo is...meanwhile they support a family that doesn't know the meaning of "classified" and the word "is"

   Does Facebook realize when they put us in Facebook jail, they're separating us from our families?