Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2958 of 6446

Jesus would have made a great lifeguard.
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09-14-2012 09:24
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I think Waldo is sitting beside the G-spot with all the missing socks and laughing his ass off.
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09-16-2012 13:33
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Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2012 was like.
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09-19-2012 21:20 by BEGO
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Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash.
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09-27-2012 10:48 by Huck
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The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat in a Port-A-Potty...is a warm one.
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10-09-2012 06:43 by MWC
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I just gave the guy who called with the wrong number and woke up my newborn the Liam Niesen speech from Taken.

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
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10-18-2012 13:18
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I have a really sexy body and you can have your way with it if you help me bury it afterwards.
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10-22-2012 13:37
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He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a taco drink He drinks a pizza drink – me with a broken jaw
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09-17-2020 09:12
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It doesn't matter who you vote for, what matters is who counts the votes.
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11-08-2020 08:26
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
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04-08-2021 08:44
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People make fun of Gary Johnson for not knowing what Aleppo is...meanwhile they support a family that doesn't know the meaning of "classified" and the word "is"
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09-12-2016 14:13 by Kman68
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Does Facebook realize when they put us in Facebook jail, they're separating us from our families?

My ass and Charmin Ultra Soft is a better love story than Twilight.
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12-27-2011 06:14
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I cut the sleeves off my snuggie because it makes me look more badas$$. THUG LIFE.
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12-27-2011 20:38
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He who breaks a New Year's resolution is a weakling and he who makes one is a fool.
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12-31-2011 11:26
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Taco Bell put Fritos in a burrito. See, you can eat healthy at a fast food place.

Dear Jennifer Hudson, I get it. You did it. Now shut up!
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01-11-2012 21:31
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whenever people ask me why I am putting on so much weight, I like to answer with,"Well, trying to grow brea$ts so I can get more likes on my status updates!"
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01-26-2012 09:28 by Tarwy
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Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?
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05-06-2012 08:11 by snotty
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