Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Jesus would have made a great lifeguard.
←Rate | 09-14-2012 09:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think Waldo is sitting beside the G-spot with all the missing socks and laughing his ass off.
←Rate | 09-16-2012 13:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2012 was like.
←Rate | 09-19-2012 21:20 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash.
←Rate | 09-27-2012 10:48 by Huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat in a Port-A-Potty...is a warm one.
←Rate | 10-09-2012 06:43 by MWC Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just gave the guy who called with the wrong number and woke up my newborn the Liam Niesen speech from Taken.
←Rate | 10-10-2012 05:21 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
←Rate | 10-18-2012 13:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have a really sexy body and you can have your way with it if you help me bury it afterwards.
←Rate | 10-22-2012 13:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a taco drink He drinks a pizza drink – me with a broken jaw
←Rate | 09-17-2020 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It doesn't matter who you vote for, what matters is who counts the votes.
←Rate | 11-08-2020 08:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
←Rate | 04-08-2021 08:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People make fun of Gary Johnson for not knowing what Aleppo is...meanwhile they support a family that doesn't know the meaning of "classified" and the word "is"
←Rate | 09-12-2016 14:13 by Kman68 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does Facebook realize when they put us in Facebook jail, they're separating us from our families?
←Rate | 07-03-2018 00:40 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My ass and Charmin Ultra Soft is a better love story than Twilight.
←Rate | 12-27-2011 06:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I cut the sleeves off my snuggie because it makes me look more badas$$. THUG LIFE.
←Rate | 12-27-2011 20:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon He who breaks a New Year's resolution is a weakling and he who makes one is a fool.
←Rate | 12-31-2011 11:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Taco Bell put Fritos in a burrito. See, you can eat healthy at a fast food place.
←Rate | 01-10-2012 13:51 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Jennifer Hudson, I get it. You did it. Now shut up!
←Rate | 01-11-2012 21:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon whenever people ask me why I am putting on so much weight, I like to answer with,"Well, trying to grow brea$ts so I can get more likes on my status updates!"
←Rate | 01-26-2012 09:28 by Tarwy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?
←Rate | 05-06-2012 08:11 by snotty Comments (0)  




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