Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm too pretty not to be having sex right now.

   There's a lot of people in the world pretending they don't know who I am.

   Hey,, people who buy just 1-ply toilet paper at grocery stores,, Are you trying to quit??

   I don't expect a perfect relationship. I just need you to hold back my hair when I vomit and break up my fights when I drink whiskey.

   Can't believe i've made it all week without stabbing anyone in the neck with a pencil...

   Dear People of The World, I don’t mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.

   Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live

   prison ain't called the pokey for nothin you know

   Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their girl parts.

   Don't think of it as 5-day-old pizza you found in the fridge, think of it as...pizza jerky.

   If looks could kill a trip to Walmart would be a once in a lifetime experience.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   Carnival Cruise's final failure: not having Planet Of The Apes actors on the dock to greet passengers.

   I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.

   When I won the Lotto, I decided to share it with my ex. "I won the Lotto, you Slut," I shouted over the phone.

   Maybe guys should start drawing on their mustaches like women draw on their eye brows.

   Florida Folks: "♫ ♫ We have joy, we have fun, we have seasons in the sun. ♫ ♫" Up North Folks: "F**k you, Florida."

   When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. No one could imagine why he was my friend.

   why is my check engine light coming on?? I know my engine is there because I just put oil in my radiator

   Sometimes wish that I was a kitchen, then maybe women would understand me.