Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people say you can;t have your cake and eat it too? That is the complete opposite of every cake having experience I have had in my life.

   Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you!

   Stop saying that I'm hard to shop for. Surely you know where the Liquor store is....

   I'm running out of reasons not to stab you.

   I learned in Science class that Protons have mass. Wow. I didn't even know they were Catholic.

   If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.

   For any fool complaining against foreign intervention in Syria, it's a bit too late. Iran and "Hezbollah" have been in Syria since the beginning of this conflict.

   *Texts girlfriend* Wats up baby!!! ;) *Doesn't reply for 5 hours* BI&CH YOU BETTER BE WRITING ME A FUC&ING BOOK!

   It's because donkey and monkey don't rhyme that I'm so angry at the world.

   I'm learning how to let things go, one throat at a time.

   I'm up to no good with good intentions.

   I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.

   I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead

   iPhone Users Warning: Texting someone that you want to kiss them under the 'mistletoe' takes on a whole new meaning when auto-corrected to 'cameltoe'. FYI ツ

   I hate it when a co-worker offers to make themselves “perfectly clear” but then I can still see them…and hear them.

   Death isn't really a penalty when you're already serving a wife sentence…

   I need ten well behaved cats and ten cat sized business suits.

   Let's be honest. She does NOT got Betty Davis eyes. She's on drugs.

   Most folks don't know this, but you can quietly be Heterosexual, H0m0sexual or Metrosexual.

   Once they invent a vibrator that can also kill spiders, a lot of us are gonna haveta find a new place to live ツ