Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Texts girlfriend* Wats up baby!!! ;) *Doesn't reply for 5 hours* BI&CH YOU BETTER BE WRITING ME A FUC&ING BOOK!

   It's because donkey and monkey don't rhyme that I'm so angry at the world.

   I'm learning how to let things go, one throat at a time.

   I'm up to no good with good intentions.

   I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.

   I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead

   iPhone Users Warning: Texting someone that you want to kiss them under the 'mistletoe' takes on a whole new meaning when auto-corrected to 'cameltoe'. FYI ツ

   I hate it when a co-worker offers to make themselves “perfectly clear” but then I can still see them…and hear them.

   Death isn't really a penalty when you're already serving a wife sentence…

   I need ten well behaved cats and ten cat sized business suits.

   Let's be honest. She does NOT got Betty Davis eyes. She's on drugs.

   Most folks don't know this, but you can quietly be Heterosexual, H0m0sexual or Metrosexual.

   Once they invent a vibrator that can also kill spiders, a lot of us are gonna haveta find a new place to live ツ

   What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks.

   I have to stop eating rotisserie chicken. It is making me feel dizzy!

   I can remember Oct 8 as if it was yesterday

   I'm so exhausted from work that I actually tried to use "The Force" to get the remote to come to me. When it didn't work I used the old Jedi Mind Trick sayin "These arent the droids your looking for give me the remote". My son did while rollin his eyes.

   The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.

   People must do well to remember that a nose belongs on the face and not stuck in SOME OTHER PLACE.

   You know how when you're kissing someone and you want to take them into the bedroom to have sex with them? Yea, well I don't want to do that with you.