Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, if Professor X can move objects with his mind,,, why can't he make his legs move?

   The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I think that means I have 2020 vision

   I'm not saying this games over but children in Africa are wearing their Championship Broncos Tshirts

   I'm confused. What doe the anthem and flag have to do with NFL players protesting police injustice??

   My four favorite things are my boyfriend eating my sister and omitting commas.

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?

   Finding out there's no Q is just as devastating as a child finding out Santa isn't real.

   Kind people without hidden agendas rock my world.

   If Elmo is a kid toucher I'd hate to think what goes on down in Oscar's trash can

   The nicer you are, the easier it is for you to get hurt

   Show me on this bottle of Jack Daniels where feelings happened.

   Wait a second ... Water parks have restrooms ... For what?!

   Why do people say you can;t have your cake and eat it too? That is the complete opposite of every cake having experience I have had in my life.

   Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you!

   Stop saying that I'm hard to shop for. Surely you know where the Liquor store is....

   I'm running out of reasons not to stab you.

   I learned in Science class that Protons have mass. Wow. I didn't even know they were Catholic.

   If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.

   For any fool complaining against foreign intervention in Syria, it's a bit too late. Iran and "Hezbollah" have been in Syria since the beginning of this conflict.