Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't really blame sharks for attacking swimmer. If some random guy walked into my house wearing nothing but speedos, I'd probably attack him as well!

   How do I stay fit and healthy? By drinking vodka and pushing kids off bikes.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? ... How's that working out for you?

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister

   Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.

   Pizza doesn't ask silly questions... Pizza understands

   So, if Professor X can move objects with his mind,,, why can't he make his legs move?

   The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I think that means I have 2020 vision

   I'm not saying this games over but children in Africa are wearing their Championship Broncos Tshirts

   Finding out there's no Q is just as devastating as a child finding out Santa isn't real.

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?

   I'm confused. What doe the anthem and flag have to do with NFL players protesting police injustice??

   My four favorite things are my boyfriend eating my sister and omitting commas.

   Kind people without hidden agendas rock my world.

   If Elmo is a kid toucher I'd hate to think what goes on down in Oscar's trash can

   The nicer you are, the easier it is for you to get hurt

   Show me on this bottle of Jack Daniels where feelings happened.

   Wait a second ... Water parks have restrooms ... For what?!