Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ZOMBIE FART JOKE: Pull off my finger.

   I keep forgetting the rules. When Jesus doesn't show up, is that 6 more weeks of winter?

   It takes a natural disaster in Haiti for the US government to step up and donate money and aid and go above and beyond to offer assiatnce. Yet, they are too incompetent to do the same thing in our own country.

   I'm not religious, but I love God.

   Obama was so upset this morning from last night's election results, that he's only playing 9 holes of golf instead of 18!!!

   It's ironic that Barack Obama says "we shall not live in fear" as he stands behind bullet-proof glass making his speech at the WTC memorial.

   Don't blame God for everything that is wrong with the world. It's not His fault that bad stuff happens. It's Man's fault that bad stuff happens.

   My wife gave me a coupon good for one blowjob on my birthday. I redeemed it with her friend Betty.

   DR: I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it. ME: Was it *sniff* *sniff* because of not enough prayers on Facebook? DR: I'm afraid so sir.

   I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.

   I will NEVER understand Twitter..Wtf is a tweet?! I'll Stick with My Facebook.. So take your #sign an Shove it up ur a$$!

   Saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning.... Use Rear Entrance". I thought it was good advice.

   I bet two thousand years ago, people were pretty psyched for 11

   I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woken up with a few.

   Status will update in 5 minutes...If not, read this again...

   would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... or the cctv footage

   took my car to the mechanic yesterday to look at my brakes. he said I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

   Remember food does not replace sex!! Unless of course its Ho Ho's and Ding Dongs :)

   I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still...get up there.

   Just wondering why I was getting dirty looks from the clerk at the general store at 4am the other night. All I did was purchase Black garbage bags, duct tape, bleech, and latex gloves.