Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama was so upset this morning from last night's election results, that he's only playing 9 holes of golf instead of 18!!!

   It's ironic that Barack Obama says "we shall not live in fear" as he stands behind bullet-proof glass making his speech at the WTC memorial.

   Don't blame God for everything that is wrong with the world. It's not His fault that bad stuff happens. It's Man's fault that bad stuff happens.

   My wife gave me a coupon good for one blowjob on my birthday. I redeemed it with her friend Betty.

   DR: I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it. ME: Was it *sniff* *sniff* because of not enough prayers on Facebook? DR: I'm afraid so sir.

   I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.

   I will NEVER understand Twitter..Wtf is a tweet?! I'll Stick with My Facebook.. So take your #sign an Shove it up ur a$$!

   Saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning.... Use Rear Entrance". I thought it was good advice.

   I bet two thousand years ago, people were pretty psyched for 11

   I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woken up with a few.

   Status will update in 5 minutes...If not, read this again...

   Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

   Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy Jeans your wearing?

   2 blond girls on opposites sides of the lake, The first one yells to the 2nd "How do I get on the other side?" The 2nd yells back "You are on the other side"

   If things aren't going right, go left

   Facebook people often post things far too personal. That occurred to me while in line at the druggist getting Anusol.

   The world`s thinnest book entitled `What Woman Want has only one word written in it,""Everything"!

   my face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it.

   would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... or the cctv footage

   took my car to the mechanic yesterday to look at my brakes. he said I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.