Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife gave me a coupon good for one blowjob on my birthday. I redeemed it with her friend Betty.

   DR: I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it. ME: Was it *sniff* *sniff* because of not enough prayers on Facebook? DR: I'm afraid so sir.

   I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.

   I will NEVER understand Twitter..Wtf is a tweet?! I'll Stick with My Facebook.. So take your #sign an Shove it up ur a$$!

   Saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning.... Use Rear Entrance". I thought it was good advice.

   I bet two thousand years ago, people were pretty psyched for 11

   I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woken up with a few.

   Status will update in 5 minutes...If not, read this again...

   Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

   Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy Jeans your wearing?

   2 blond girls on opposites sides of the lake, The first one yells to the 2nd "How do I get on the other side?" The 2nd yells back "You are on the other side"

   If things aren't going right, go left

   Facebook people often post things far too personal. That occurred to me while in line at the druggist getting Anusol.

   The world`s thinnest book entitled `What Woman Want has only one word written in it,""Everything"!

   my face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it.

   would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... or the cctv footage

   took my car to the mechanic yesterday to look at my brakes. he said I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

   Remember food does not replace sex!! Unless of course its Ho Ho's and Ding Dongs :)

   I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still...get up there.

   Just wondering why I was getting dirty looks from the clerk at the general store at 4am the other night. All I did was purchase Black garbage bags, duct tape, bleech, and latex gloves.