Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   McDonalds delivery is not yet a "thing" b/c there's no way someone could deliver my big mac without eating some of my fries along the way

   UP for The Undertaker. DOWN for John Cena.

   Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.

   Yo Bi%ch, you hate your parents so much that you have to post it on Facebook. Orphans cry hearts out to have such loving and caring parents. Love your Parents.

   Don't you love when you put a load in the dishwasher and it swallows?

   FB needs to change it's status to, "It's Complicated!"

   On a walk, my son saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Iphone..

   In only 366 days, I will be one year clean and sober.cheers,!

   Don't do the crime, if you can't handle the anal.

   Question of the day: If cannibals argue with each other, is it considered a food fight?

   The 3 C's of life…Choice, Chance, Change...Make the Choice to take the Chance if you want to Change.!!!

   Irony would be Arnold having an illegitimate son named John Conner

   Fellas: If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   ..... He floats like a burrerfly and stings like a bee ..... I wish a Happy 70th ... to Muhammad Ali

   Whitney Houston may always love you but I will not! Not after you slept with my sister

   Feminists. If you hate men so much, why are you always trying to be like us?

   Their is a perfect girl 4 everyone!! I think mine died at birth

   When life hands you lemons, squirt the juice in your eye..the stinging sensation will stop your whining.

   saw a banana peel in the road today and instinctively swerved to miss it, thanks Mario Kart!

   I don't know why we just don't take a bunch of nukes and level the middle east and those towel heads once and for all