Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fact that no one understands you does not mean you are an artist...

   The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

   My hair looks like I've had rigorous sex, but in reality I lost my brush a week ago.

   Sometimes being friend-zoned is just like dodging a bullet. Its for your own good.

   I would like to cordially invite you all to shut up concerning what you do not know.

   I'd ask if you wanted to sleep over, but with my 12 cats, stuffed animal collection, & my late night stabbing urges, it might be a red flag.

   It's fun to confuse people by using common sense.

   Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram sometimes make me forget I have text messages.

   run with wolves and you'll howl, associate with eagles and you'll soar!!

   Santa has been cleared to enter US airspace. But he will be subject to strip searches by TSA. Since elderly people rarely file lawsuits.

   If I was a bird, I know who I would $h!t on

   I appreciate a really well thought out poor excuse.

   I am no Miss Williams but I know how to handle balls.

   This Cottage cheese needs something. Like a burger and fries.

   Are you really leaving or are you just trying to brighten up my day?

   still grounded for being awesome

   Guys that take Yoga classes need their man card taken away and shoved up their ass. Oh, nevermind... they'd probably just bend over and pick it out with their teeth.

   My wife just shouted from another room "can you come to the phone" I shouted back "what sort of distance are we talking"

   You never realize what you have until it's gone...toilet paper is a prime example!

   I tried to end this farce of a life by jumping off a bridge only to discover that I can fly