Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Inspirational stat us: Today's probably going to suck. Don't be a little b*tch and handle that sh*t.

   I wish I could participate in The Hunger Games against everyone I unfriended on Facebook!

   IT'S NOT EASY BEING A DIVA!!! It's a real workout...my heart starts pumping and I break a sweat thinking of the day I have of cleaning...and then suddenly remembering my housekeeper already did it for me. I nearly threw my back out getting back in bed!

   After putting up xmas lights last night I'm wondering why no one hasn't opened up a business that untangles xmas lights...

   Her: Your Not listening!!!! Me: How can I listen to you if you dont say the things I want to hear...Woman????

   Maybe the Mayans meant it'd be the end of shows like Idol, all things Kardashian & every reality show with "Wives" in the title.

   I'm not allowed to have caffeine after 9 because midnight dance-offs have a high casualty rate.

   I once stopped a woman's hiccups by pinching her nipple, I had no idea if it would work but guys will think of anything to touch a boob.

   The fact that no one understands you does not mean you are an artist...

   The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

   My hair looks like I've had rigorous sex, but in reality I lost my brush a week ago.

   Sometimes being friend-zoned is just like dodging a bullet. Its for your own good.

   I would like to cordially invite you all to shut up concerning what you do not know.

   I'd ask if you wanted to sleep over, but with my 12 cats, stuffed animal collection, & my late night stabbing urges, it might be a red flag.

   It's fun to confuse people by using common sense.

   Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram sometimes make me forget I have text messages.

   run with wolves and you'll howl, associate with eagles and you'll soar!!

   Santa has been cleared to enter US airspace. But he will be subject to strip searches by TSA. Since elderly people rarely file lawsuits.

   If I was a bird, I know who I would $h!t on

   I appreciate a really well thought out poor excuse.