Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I might be white, but I'm not "saves plastic grocery bags to use for trash can liners" white.

   I put some red in with the whites and now my wife will not allow me near the laundry anymore...had to wear pink shirts for awhile but it was well worth it.

   No matter what life hands you. Don't put it in a fanny pack.

   Oh, you're awake at 3AM? The rest of us don't give a F#$%...

   I talk to my car, just in case it's a transformer.

   I feel like I forgot something when I left the house today.... Pants. It was definitely pants.

   It's like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.

   How was I to know you were tying your shoelaces and not proposing?

   Wanna know about people you don't need in you life? Post something with a misspelling and see how fast they "must" correct you

   If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve

   Does Dunkin Donuts make a body spray?... *Asking for a friend..

   Employers at job interviews: We're looking for someone age 22-26 with 30 years of experience.

   Whenever I go running, I meet exciting new people....like paramedics.

   Do pop music artists know about better music?

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like high-fiving yourself in public.

   Coffee Shop Sign: Unattended children will be given double espressos and made wild promises about what Santa is bringing them.

   Mornings were made for sleeping, wild sex, and bacon.

   Kinda want to text you, kinda what to block your number.

   Stop saying I'm hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is.

   Lesser men would have given up after twenty years of outrageous fame and fortune, but Leo persevered, and now he has a small trophy.