Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   Im starting to believe that PMS stands for - penis must suffer :(

   , I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.

   Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

   Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.

   I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.

   Santa is really going to love the cookies he gets from Colorado and Washington this year..

   The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.

   B*tch, you're not high maintenance. A Ferrari is high maintenance. You're just a pain in the ass, like an old Pinto.

   ..... Geez ...... those movie critics in the Middle East are a tough crowd....

   Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other tonight.

   ''Please punch in your account number, phone number,and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again!''