Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The defendant was acquitted of stealing twenty-three bottles of beer. Prosecutors couldn't make a case of it.

   that you shouldn't base your life on what other people think!

   Dear politicians: don't kid yourself for a moment that I'll believe a single word you say in the next month. Seriously. Save your breath.

   doesn't allow men to smoke in his room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   drunker then a two dollar hooker on topless tuesday.."

   sad that '24' is coming to an end after 8 seasons. I have given 8 whole days of my life to this series.

   just got a 'friend request' from Dr. Phil as suggested by another friend....Hmmmm, is this friend trying to tell me something???

   If love is blind does that mean divorce is lasik surgery?

   Wants to thank BP. Now I can wash and oil my lettuce at the same time

   If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

   When the world kicks you when you're down, breaks its legs.

   's keys are really good at hide and go seek,they are definitely winning.

   A new study says people who sit a lot die sooner. Basically, if you're a tennis umpire with a roommate who paints portraits, you're screwed.

   If you own a dog you know... The Look...

   If you're on someone else's Facebook, the cruelest thing to do is probably to actually add the "people you may know."

   When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.

   I have come to the conclusion that I have a mammographic memory...

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   It's hard to trust someone who starts each sentence with "to be honest".

   “I can park here because my hazards are on.” Seems legit.