Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3.14159 I love you when you're covered in ice cream.

   The defendant was acquitted of stealing twenty-three bottles of beer. Prosecutors couldn't make a case of it.

   The reason I watch crime documentaries on drug smugglers is to look for new ways to sneak a bag of Doritos into the house.

   just read that movie theatre popcorn is very buttery and unhealthy, in other news..water is wet! :D

   I never have enough clothes...until I do laundry, then I never have enough closet space.

   A new study says people who sit a lot die sooner. Basically, if you're a tennis umpire with a roommate who paints portraits, you're screwed.

   If you own a dog you know... The Look...

   If you're on someone else's Facebook, the cruelest thing to do is probably to actually add the "people you may know."

   When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.

   I have come to the conclusion that I have a mammographic memory...

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   It's hard to trust someone who starts each sentence with "to be honest".

   “I can park here because my hazards are on.” Seems legit.

   Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.

   Too bad phones don't record smells. I just had something to share with all of you!

   Women only need 3.5 inches to reach maximum pleasure. Yes...It's called a credit card.

   I met the love of my life at Starbucks. She was beautiful, but I knew I had to drink her eventually.

   I see your re-p0st and raise you a hand jerking off motion.

   I wonder what Lebron got Delonte West for Father's Day?

   What's with women and emotions? Whenever I find myself getting emotional, I just drink Vodka and I am cured.