Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sitting here enjoying a delicious protein muffin. Some may say because of the chocolate frosting and sprinkles that it's a cupcake but that's just not true.

   thinks that if I were to become a cannibal, I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony

   Today is "Save Your Hearing Day" soooo......I'm not listening to a darn thing anyone has to say today.

   was glad to see it was "peter tweeter" Anthony Weiner's last day in office but I was a bit dismayed when I heard that Gary Busey was slotted as his interim replacement.

   Tough times never last but tough people do

   there is no elevator to success! You have to take the stairs, one step at a time.

   I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

   Yeah, yeah. It's Hump Day, but get off my leg, please. I don't like you that much.

   at the current rate of the economy hookers are gonna be giving away toasters soon.

   You know right about now cyphing gas outta folks cars really dont sound that crazy too me

   I'm not sure which I find more nauseating, every detail of the Royal Wedding being broadcast, The View, or that they're advertsing the The View's live Royal Wedding coverage.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting the "Share" button.

   I tried to help my Uncle Mario contact his dead brother, I tried everything but even the Luigi board didn't work.

   disappointed that all libraries don't carry free adderall

   's current releationship status: A single woman in a complicated relationship,with a married man,who is in an open relationship with a widow, who is engaged to my cousin.

   It's for you Mr. Reid. It's Al Sharpton and he sounds pissed. You better take the call because he likes to march about as much as the Germans

   George Washington's brother, Larry, was the Uncle of Our Country."

   When your cat suddenly runs out of the room at the speed of lightning, it was actually a failed ambush.

   Some people have all the luck. They're called "cheaters."

   Happy Halloweenkend!!