Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   make me an alligator sandwich and make it snappy

   Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.

   Can officially include rescue operations on my resume after I saved a bug from a spider web

   I went shopping at Sam's Club and now I have enough toilet paper to last until 2027.

   Your Body is a Temple, let the Spirits in....preferably in shot form.

   My mother taught me RELIGION. “You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

   My wife was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.

   They say " you can attract more bees with honey, rather than vinegar." Why the crap do I want more bees around me?

   Dear life, whats the fricking recipe for lemonade?

   at lunch and saw a Mexican guy with a mullet. Negocio in the front, fiesta in the back.

   Facebook needs a “remove from existence” button. That way I don't have to see their posts on mutual friends' walls, and I can just forget that they even exist

   Don't call me son unless you're going to include me in your will.

   Scientific fact: You do in fact have a wonderful Christmas time when you don't hear that awful Paul McCartney song.

   Saying "dude." before you say something important.

   talk is cheap, but I guess that's the only thing your broke ass can afford

   I don't want you charity unless your charity is bacon and then I will take it.

   My dog ate the garbage so told him he was bad,, He yelled "you're not my real dad!" and ran away ........ wait,, I don't have a dog

   It's a shame that Qatar's national airline is "Qatar Airways",, and not the far superior "Air Qatar".

   I'll check again but i'm pretty sure I could care less that Brad and Angelina are getting married...

   Well skank you. Skank you very much!