Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things so far in advance. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

   34 days until the world ends. LETS GOOO

   You want to see a perfect relationship? Watch a damn movie

   I've been a HUGE fan of Bernie Sanders ever since he and Marty McFly went Back To The Future!

   Monica Lewinsky is 42, how fast they grow up. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the White House floor and putting everything in her mouth.

   But Officer, that's just my medicinal sawed-off shotgun.

   Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don't want to go to prison.

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club

   When picking up hookers, you never know what you will get. All you can do is hope for the breast and prepare for the wurst.

   The only thing in Dora's backpack is a kilo of cocaine and a map to El Paso.

   I find between 27-30 is a great age for men. You're still young enough to date college women...and old enough for their moms.

   You aren't a food "Food Blogger", you're a "Fat ass with a laptop"

   Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL

   When people ask where I live I always say by the sword.

   I Got 99 Problems, But Bailing Out Baltimore & Ferguson Protesters Ain't One

   Welcome to planet earth where when you see something unusual/abnormal/weird or out of the ordinary and point it out and suddenly you are labelled a hater and accused of being judgmental. SMH

   You know who else who waits 7 hours to reply to a text with "lol"? SATAN

   I throw small pieces of bread at your duck face selfies

   Football is on. I'll talk to you guys in February.

   You know the ZZ Top song, Sharp Dressed Man? I stop singing after "every girls crazy"