Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

   I think when someone asks for advice they're really asking "want to start a debate?"

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   when will people understand. "i can't hear you while I'm chewing my doritos!"

   Time for some night time sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.

   Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   Remember the days when you could push your friend in the pool and not worry if they had a cellphone in their pocket? Good times...

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???

   I'm thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."

   I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie

   They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.

   Marriage is a workshop.........The husband works & The wife shops

   Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,

   It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.

   If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?

   febreeze- because your house smells like weed and your parents will be home any minute.

   My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...

   Maintaining a Facebook page for your dog is an easy way to let all your friends know you're crazy.

   You can only put the wheels on a wagon so many times, then it's time for a new wagon!