Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"I faked all my LOLs." -A Facebook romance comes to a dramatic end.

   a huge heart. Just haven't found a woman that can wrap her arms all the way around it yet.

   I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

   Al Qaeda has a new leader, may a new round of hide and seek begin

   That's the second un-manly thing you did today...

   Ever since my roommate got a new uptight, b!tchy girlfriend he's been acting like a real d!ck to everyone. So one night I took his phone, went on his facebook and checked in at a male strip club, then a gay bar, then a wmca. He's single again.DontBeAd!ck

   Gonna sleep like a baby tonight: with a bottle and wet pants.

   It's one hell of a crime if you're ugly with a bad attitude at the same time.

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   The Mayans were really talking about page #2012...

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   If being batsh!t crazy was as visible as a nice body some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention.

   I just called bullsh!t but it went straight to voicemail.

   Ladies: When a guy adds you on FB, it means he just wants to be your friend not your HUSBAND, that's why it's called a friend request not a Proposal!

   your acceptance of what is about to happen isn't required, but I have this axe and I already dug a hole, so.....

   9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me to pull the trigger. The 10th one says RELOAD!

   I drop my ipod:( ………and then my headphones save it's life :)

   How are babies not self-consciousness of their thighs?

   Alcohol was my dad's answer to everything. He didn't drink. He was just lousy at quizzes.

   Something a wife would NEVER say to her husband: "Could you please stop washing the dishes and sit down and have a beer with me, I can't hear the game!"