Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t trust banks. I keep all my sperm in a sock under my mattress.

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence explain it

   I hate to go out drinking with unicorns, they use the old "no pockets" excuse to stick me with the bill.

   That embarrassing moment when Nancy Grace heard that verdict

   I just found out that a married couple I know share the same birthday with each other. I said "WOW, Twins!". They said "Uh, nooo..." I said, "Then why are your kids so stupid?"

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture in there.

   I feel like a dirty NASCAR driver removing the restrictor plate on my shower head!

   ‎"I faked all my LOLs." -A Facebook romance comes to a dramatic end.

   a huge heart. Just haven't found a woman that can wrap her arms all the way around it yet.

   I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

   Al Qaeda has a new leader, may a new round of hide and seek begin

   That's the second un-manly thing you did today...

   Ever since my roommate got a new uptight, b!tchy girlfriend he's been acting like a real d!ck to everyone. So one night I took his phone, went on his facebook and checked in at a male strip club, then a gay bar, then a wmca. He's single again.DontBeAd!ck

   Gonna sleep like a baby tonight: with a bottle and wet pants.

   It's one hell of a crime if you're ugly with a bad attitude at the same time.

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   The Mayans were really talking about page #2012...

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   If being batsh!t crazy was as visible as a nice body some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention.

   I just called bullsh!t but it went straight to voicemail.