Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, I hear there was a big party last night to watch Justin Bieber's balls drop.

   I don't mean to brag... but I'm a pretty damn formidable peek-a-boo opponent

   I wasn't born to kiss anyone's ass. If you want someone to obey and follow you, you should probably get a dog.

   Quick someone get Ray Lewis's fingerprints off of that trophy, just in case...

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away

   missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor

   I always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out BOOM extra taco.

   I'm going to take a picture of my middle finger and have copies passed out at my funeral as a last Screw you.

   It Is Better To Go Skiing And Think Of God,Than Go To Church And Think Of Skiing

   You know what will be funny....If an illegal alien was thePowerball winner in Arizona

   We all hate things in others which is already in us.

   It doesn't matter how many times you throw up, what matters is how many times you get up, grab your glass and keep drinking.

   Dear teenage me, It's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone.. No don't kill yourself, it's actually pretty fun

   I don’t trust banks. I keep all my sperm in a sock under my mattress.

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence explain it

   I hate to go out drinking with unicorns, they use the old "no pockets" excuse to stick me with the bill.

   That embarrassing moment when Nancy Grace heard that verdict

   I just found out that a married couple I know share the same birthday with each other. I said "WOW, Twins!". They said "Uh, nooo..." I said, "Then why are your kids so stupid?"

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture in there.

   I feel like a dirty NASCAR driver removing the restrictor plate on my shower head!