Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "No, I'm not talking about Twitter. I literally want you to follow me." - Jesus

   I'm celebrating black history month by playing Pokemon black version. You know, gotta catch Jamal!

   When I'm old & my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals, stand over the caskets, & whisper "I won."

   As you Mature, you learn that you cannot make someone love you!.....All you can do is Stalk them and hope they panic and give in!!!

   #ThatMomentOfPanic when the 2 year old's parent asks, "Who hurt you", and the child points at you..............FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!

   To all the people who failed out of high school, just remember two things: 1) At least you tried your best, and 2) I said NO tomatoes on my burger, b!tch!

   I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am startled by bank robbers who shout "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" and I get shot in the face for dancing.

   the cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!".

   True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

   I think Fb is stupid. Last time I tried changing my password to penis and Fb said it 'wasn't long enough'. How the hell do they know?

   What's this ♫♪ 'Crazy little thing called Love'? People say ♪♫ 'Love will keep us alive' but then ♪♫ 'Too much love will kill you'.... now 'I want to know what love is'. ♪♫

   Girls that are 16 and pregnant may look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel by using a dial.

   A recent survey indicates that nobody knows anyone anywhere who has ever participated in a recent survey.

   If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice.

   I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.

   "Kicking butt and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

   How many self defense classes are required before I can date someone in the NFL?

   I'm not sure what lesbians like better about sex with a woman instead of a man, but I wish they would describe it to me in great detail.

   does anyone else think that Bert and Ernie weren't so much 'funny ha ha' as they were 'funny...well...you know...