Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "S3x! S3x! S3x! Free s3x tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

   My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together..... I sh*t you knot."

   Mandatory voting? Reminds me of saw a video I saw about a leader who forced people to do crazy stuff under his leadership. But it was hard to understand, the narration was in German.

   I think I'm going to post the Constitution in my Facebook status. That way the government might read it.

   When the cashier said "Strip down facing me" how was I supposed to know she meant my debit card?

   Phuck the IslamaNazi's.....

   Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.

   It's so cold out that I saw two gangsters with their pants UP

   Ugh, still writing 2012 on my death threats.

   Hillary wears pantsuits because her balls would show in a dress!!

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up.Where are you? You're on Facebook, r

   if you die in a elevator....press the UP button!

   if someone at your church tells you that you have a servant's heart......you're about to start stackin' chairs.

   It's amazing how many Catholic priests have left the church to pursue careers with the TSA...

   Go to Google. Type in "Ewmew Fudd". Click "I'm feeling lucky". You're welcome.

   A woman's work is never done. Which is probably why they don't make as much.

   PMS = [P]repare to [M]eet [S]atan.

   Dreaming of a White Christmas? You r@cist b@stards.

   Trump is going to be the next president. Deal with it. In a related story, Air Canada has cheap fares right now.

   Bengazi, deleting emails, donations from Saudi's, defending child rapists and laughing at their victims... feel free to make fun of Trumps hair (as that's all you've got).