Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When black girls take off their earrings you know s$it just got real.

   Whoever said "If you love something, let it go" should have clarified that statement with "but not if it's a baby!"

   Other than Whitney Houston...all the dates are wrong. Jackson was 50, JFK was 46 and Winehouse was 27..to make a joke..get the facts right..becomes funnier..Little thing called Google

   No but seriously if you are still posting pics of what you got for Valentines you do know you are the other chick right?

   Sorry! i'm not desperate because i'm single. I'm single, because i'm not desperate.

   My piss constantly smells of Sugar Puffs, The doctor asked me today if it hurts? I said "Only when the free plastic toy comes out."

   The older you get, the better you are at doing, but the worse you look doing it.

   This one time my date was really ugly but I was horny so I roofied both our drinks :/

   After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.

   Don't worry about the weather. Things will warm up after all the hot air from the State of the Union speech.

   You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one damn night!"

   Cop:Sir have you been drinking? Guy:Why is there a fat chick in the back? Cop:Sir are you drunk...? Guy:Why? IS there 2 fat chicks in the back!?

   Dear Mother in Law , pls don't teach me how to handle my children. I'm living with one of yours and he sure needs a lot of improvement ;)

   I'm not a reIigious person, I dont believe in a god, but that wont stop me from wishing you all a MERRY CHRlSTMAS!!!

   may contain nuts.

   The handicap parking at the special olympics must be insane

   All these people sending prayers to OK. I feel so silly. I only sent money and donated blood.

   what f#cking idiot named them jet-skis instead of boatercycles

   I use to wake up Grumpy...now I just let her sleep!