Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so broke, my bologna don't have a first name!

   Dear eyelashes, wish bones, dandelions, pennies in fountains, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles. YOU FAILED.

   Well, in happier news, I was shocked to step from of the shower and find out I was out of deodorant---so I smeared a magazine sample of Old Spice "night life" under my arms until I get to the store...Macgyver ain't got nothin on me!

   One of the hardest things to do when you're playing toys with a 5yr old is to let him beat up ur superman action figure with the robinaction figure he's using without explaining to him why that would nevereverevereverfuckinghappen....ever

   I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...

   Only 33 days until the end of the world. Why is everyone acting so normal?

   When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.

   Being a slut won't solve your problems, it might solve mine, but it won't solve yours.

   "Seriously, do I need a breaking news update on my phone about Kim and Kanye's kid pic that was shown for the first time today? God bless them all, but England's new baby heir to the throne pics were the best of all time!"--- Taylor Swift.

   After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.

   Don't worry about the weather. Things will warm up after all the hot air from the State of the Union speech.

   You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one damn night!"

   Cop:Sir have you been drinking? Guy:Why is there a fat chick in the back? Cop:Sir are you drunk...? Guy:Why? IS there 2 fat chicks in the back!?

   Dear Mother in Law , pls don't teach me how to handle my children. I'm living with one of yours and he sure needs a lot of improvement ;)

   The handicap parking at the special olympics must be insane

   may contain nuts.

   I'm not a reIigious person, I dont believe in a god, but that wont stop me from wishing you all a MERRY CHRlSTMAS!!!

   All these people sending prayers to OK. I feel so silly. I only sent money and donated blood.