Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.

   Studies have shown that people who masturbate have longer lives then the people who dont... Guess that means my a$$ is living forever...

   Putting Vodka in my juice because it's Russia somewhere...

   Hi God it me again. I'd like to return these feelings, they're faulty and make my eyes leak. Thank you.

   I'll listen to your views on climate change right after you shovel my driveway.

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."

   Malaysian Airlines will only be selling one way tickets from now on.....

   The only thing more pussified than a joint FB account is renewing your wedding vows...

   So sick of hearing about Paula dean and gay rights and blah blah.. Let everyone live their life and be happy

   Nobody gives a about how amazing your relationship is. You're on Facebook. It can't be that good.

   I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, I did the twist. They played “Jump”, I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”…well, I got kicked out for that one.

   It's hilarious to see really ugly people with cute little kids. You know god is just bluffing. They'll get ugly eventually.

   #DontTextandDrive cause your "LOL" can turn into an "R.I.P"

   used to live in the real world but he got evicted

   in the frozen food section at Sam's looking for horny milfs with erect nipples

   To be TOGETHER, you need TO-GET-HER

   Have you heard about the blind hooker?.....You've gotta hand it to her!

   On a dark dessert highway, Cool Whip in my hair....

   I might not be prince charmin honey and you're not a fairy princess... so stop acting like that vajaja is gold plated. . .

   God: Women will bleed for a week. Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time? God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.