Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll

   Movie characters are always so badass. If they wake up mysteriously in a hospital alone and beaten up, they just rip the IV right out their arm and slip past the nurses. I would at least want to see my chart first, and maybe get some juice.

   procastinating now. Don't see why I should put it off......

   Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.

   Whenever I choose to go down the stairs next to a crowded escalator, I feel the need to move faster than the escalator to prove to the people on board that I made the better decision.

   No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything.

   Even when it's not the best of days, you can always tell yourself, hey, at least I'm not the guy who sank a $570 million ship.

   That uneasy moment when my doctor is checking my balls for a physical and I run my fingers through her hair.

   cannot stress enough that grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse

   my scientific side says "i'll believe it when I see it". my spiritual side says "i'll see it when I believe it". my drunken side says "what are we looking at?"

   Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”

   Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

   Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better

   Dear Men,if you are going to criticise a womans figure or any other aspect of her appearance please make 100% sure that you are Brad pitt or Johnny Depp...

   wants to say to the nice stranger he saw while driving around, "Next time you wave at me, use all of your fingers."

   my blond sister jus texted me and asked what does "idk" stand for? I said I dont know. she said OMG! nobody does!

   never apologizes. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am....

   There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL... I really admire two sport athletes.