Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those that still can't believe it's not butter have margarinal faith.

   Today some celebrate Cinco de Mayo, but not me! ..Today I celebrate "International Overindulgence of Alcohol Day"! "May a Fifth be with you!"

   Call me a hoarder if you want but don't come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.

   "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go"

   It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart. One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

   Did the widows and Orphans get government funded sexchanges to look like 6 foot bodybuilders?

   "Wrong hole" is a matter of opinion

   in England, "pounds" are money....im not fat, I'm rich

   Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate halloween. I guess they don't like random people coming up to their door.

   If you love someone, make them guess how you feel about them until they get tired and move on to someone else.

   My boyfriend better be glad he isn't real or there would have been a huge fight about the panties I found in my bed that I forgot were mine.

   I've single handedly defeated my erection.

   You know some sh*t is about to go down when she turns her phone sideways to type.

   Maybe Fedex and UPS need some of those delivery drones!

   If she watches trash tv that's how her personality is too

   When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend to need something, and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to keep things real.

   Dear 11 year olds on Facebook, it's complicated? Really? What did he do, steal your animal crackers?

   Apparently "white privilege" doesn't include getting to pick out a koala and just take it home from the zoo.

   I'm starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum might be a commercial.