Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the larger amount of stupid people I get to deal with on a daily basis, I thought lobotomies came back in style .

   Did anyone ever consider Dr. Suess on some serious drugs when he wrote those books? A 6ft. Tall cat with a 2ft. Tall hat. I mean c'mon!

   Fact: Pirates wore eye patches because it took a while to realize a parrot made a better shoulder pet than a cat.

   Follow your heart ...but take your brain with you

   Wow... I'm standing out on the ledge of my building, watching what looks like police and firemen trying to fit a trampoline through the front door! Pfft... Idiots!

   Added to my bucket list today: Figure out what the hell 'Snow' is saying in the song 'Informer'.

   I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I'm up to 1 hour a day. I'm slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.

   That episode of Star Trek where Superman goes on a blind date with Rosie O'Donnel is on. Also, how much NyQuil is too much?

   Another day....another 0.256832% of a dollar

   One in two people suffer from chronic suspicion. Could it be the person you're with RIGHT NOW??

   ‎"I'm not like most girls." -most girls

   I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

   My friend said to quit hitting him. I told him those were fighting words!

   a Guy to a Beggar: "I think you beg because you are just too lazy to find a job" Beggar: "I beg to differ"

   It would be amazing if all restaurants had to end their URLs with ".nom"

   I'm better at everything I don't get paid for.

   I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.

   If you get sexted by someone you don't like...does that mean you got molexted?

   I consider the word Dodge on the front of my truck fair warning to jaywalkers."

   I used to be jealous of skinny girls until I realized they've probably never tasted bacon.