Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember that Ex that we all thought we’d never get over? What's her name again?

   I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee.

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my stats but never liking any of them </3

   The best conversations happen late at night.

   I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!

   On the advice of my attorney, I plead the 5th on EXACTLY what I did for a Klondike Bar.

   I may not be the guy you're looking for or the guy who you think you would fall in love with, but I deserve a chance to prove you wrong dammit!

   If they played it would be the 1992 ''Dream Team'' vs.2012 ''Keep Dreamin Team''

   I gave $10 to our local Little League team, just to be called an "Athletic Supporter"

   If swimming would just add one shark, I would watch it more than football.

   If any woman says "I love you" to me for the first time, then I have the right to say "Do you have evidence to support that statement?"

   Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.

   Wow, the news is blowing up with news of Duchess Kate in labor. You'd think a panda was being born.

   I bet sloths are horrible at foreplay.

   A guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane todday... Years of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

   OK. I can understand why you are mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   JustinBieber Happy birthday! As a true Belieber, I'll celebrate this day by blasting your songs in my car & driving myself off a cliff.

   my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks.

   it rude to throw a breathmint in someone's mouth while they are talking??

   Pot luck means bring a bag of chips right?