Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a life outside Facebook...but I have forgotten the password for it.

   Just found pebbles stuck in my pond filter. Fred and Wilma are going to be devastated.

   I hope Keith Richards isn't an organ donor.

   Stretch before sex: every year 11,000 Americans are injured trying tricky sexual positions.

   No peace at home = no piece at home.

   Eventually gravity lowers every woman's standards.

   I quit smoking by switching to sunflower seeds. Cured my smoking habit, but now I have a strange desire to want to sh!t on newspaper...

   Best way to handle insults? Accept them! ex: "You're so ugly!" "Tell me about it." or "You're an idiot!" "Yeah, it's a problem..".

   With the required pants and how flexible my girlfriend has become, Yoga is a win for both of us.

   turns out the March of Dimes people aren't very fond of dimes...

   One Direction goes both ways.

   You can tell a lot about a person by holding them hostage and asking them questions.

   :My girlfriend and I both think she's put on some weight. The difference? She's the only one who says it out loud. Yes, I'm smart

   HAHA !!,, I just saw a picture of Katy Perry holding a guitar and it looked just like when I make my cat pretend he's typing

   Some People can be so horrible...to look at.

   Thought an owl threw up in my bed but no apparently I ate half a granola bar in my sleep.

   We are all born sexual creatures; it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift. ~ Marilyn Monroe

   My dentist just said I'm getting a crown! I must have been a *super* good patient today.

   To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction. Thanks haters.

   In case you're wondering, sneezing while peeing is very uncomfortable indeed.