Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Laughter is a wonderful sound. It cheers you up, it holds you up, and makes you believe that a simple sound can make unwelcome emotions disappear

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

   if you cant afford to go on vacation,u can always drink until you dont know where you are

   14-year old Becky writes "Stop wars" as her Facebook status. It gets nine "likes", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it.

   BEST EXCUSE: I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant...

   I have a life outside Facebook...but I have forgotten the password for it.

   Just found pebbles stuck in my pond filter. Fred and Wilma are going to be devastated.

   I hope Keith Richards isn't an organ donor.

   Stretch before sex: every year 11,000 Americans are injured trying tricky sexual positions.

   No peace at home = no piece at home.

   Eventually gravity lowers every woman's standards.

   I quit smoking by switching to sunflower seeds. Cured my smoking habit, but now I have a strange desire to want to sh!t on newspaper...

   Best way to handle insults? Accept them! ex: "You're so ugly!" "Tell me about it." or "You're an idiot!" "Yeah, it's a problem..".

   With the required pants and how flexible my girlfriend has become, Yoga is a win for both of us.

   turns out the March of Dimes people aren't very fond of dimes...

   One Direction goes both ways.

   You can tell a lot about a person by holding them hostage and asking them questions.

   :My girlfriend and I both think she's put on some weight. The difference? She's the only one who says it out loud. Yes, I'm smart

   HAHA !!,, I just saw a picture of Katy Perry holding a guitar and it looked just like when I make my cat pretend he's typing

   Some People can be so horrible...to look at.