Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.

   Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

   I just saw a commercial for Ramen noodles on the Food Network. Now that takes some balls...

   If you are the "other person" in a relationship and eventually get together, you have no reason to be angry if they cheat on you later.

   "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...

   Karma is like a rubber-band...it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!

   I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."

   I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costume….

   I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...

   Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.

   Ok, so it's 2012. Shouldn't we be living like the Jetsons by now?

   Reports are in that Hugo Chjavez has died....hmmmmm ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒Fidel Castro ✔Hugo Chavez - Not good timesr for my Fantasy Dictator League...

   Dennis rodman is the Jane Fonda of this generation

   Does anyone out there realize that reality shows are scripted and are not really reality?

   Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!

   Let's send Kim Kardashian to N. Korea!!