Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

   “if I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning.” And yet, people complain about today's song lyrics…

   Sometimes pretending to be busy takes more effort than being busy.

   Ladies and Gentlemen, the end of the world has been postponed due to lack of interest .

   If it requires clothes…I probably don't want to do it with you.

   If you received a Christmas gift, but you didn't p ost a picture of it on your FB wall, did you really receive a gift?

   I'm anxiously awaiting my front row tickets to...what goes around comes around

   My imaginary friend is dating Manti Teo's ex-imaginary-girlfriend.

   You people freak me out talking about stalking. Especially you.... sitting there in your blue & white striped polo shirt reading that book on your couch.

   Plan for tonight: 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2. figure the rest out later

   really bummed there was no wardrobe malfunction this year

   Nobody has criticized me yet today. I should call my ex-wife and say hello.

   Ants can lift fifty times their own body weight, but do they lift even one finger around the house? NO!

   When your girlfriend says "Oh HE is my best friend" your relationship is already over

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

   This police sketch artist has no idea that he's about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.

   If your status update has been edited, there is a 95% chance I will browse through your mistakes before I read the actual update...

   Weird how it’s always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy

   Not listening to a single word you've said makes it impossible for you to run out of things to say to me.