Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The President's claim that the economy is improving, and the news that "Girls Gone Wild" has filed for bankruptcy seem to fly in the face of compatibility.

   I do a five-minute open mic set several times a week. The order taker at Jack in the Box thinks I'm a riot.

   Leaving the house with my phone at 30% battery, wish me luck everyone. Send me your prayers in these tough times.

   You're Now Aware That You Can't Say.. "IRISH WRISTWATCH"

   The adventures of 'mom isn't home'... Today boys and girls, we learned what it feels like to stick your tongue into the vacuum cleaner hose...my 4 year old will never be the same...

   Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...

   North Korea chose the right time to declare war on South Korea. With them releasing "Gangnam Style", no one is going to feel sorry for them.

   Vampires beware!!!! Blade has been released!!!!

   Just admit when you're wrong, people will respect you so much more for it

   The best part about getting older is vaguely remembering all the sex you had when you were younger.

   I hate how my husband has to eat food every day.

   Apparently it wasn't a hit & run. Lindsay Lohan was just preparing for a new movie role. It's about a strung out has-been actress.

   Your knees are too clean for you to be a good girlfriend.

   On My Way To Walmart For Some Rascal Tipping

   Music doesn't deserve our bad memories.

   If you call yourself hot, you're not

   I heard Amish black dudes have the biggest beards.

   Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I'd prefer something else.

   if men could have multiple 0rgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.

   The most awkward conversation must have been between the guy who invented toilet paper and the first person he told about it.