Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was editing my profile and couldnt figure whether to put masturbation under activites or interests.

   Snooki's pregnant...? Finding the father is gonna be harder than finding Waldo, but I bet Waldo fuck$d her too anyway.

   Found out today you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help.

   Instructions on how to keep an idiot busy: Read instructions again.

   I saw a man in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoking a joint. One of those high deaf TVs.

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   sick of all this Osama Bin Laden news already - OK, he'd gone, great. What do I have to do to get a Charlie Sheen update?!!

   You really do need to quite teasing my with these pokes

   My watch died at 11:30pm last night... It was the most incredible night of my life. At 3:00am I was still thinking it was 11:30. I was like "OMG the night still so young!!!!!" And kept on drinking... Yeah, I got home at 11:30pm, good girl!

   The LA Dodgers are so broke, three players tested positive for Top Ramen

   Do you want to mourn Steve Jobs? - There's an app for that, only $4.99 for the first month.

   3/17/2011 - 3/20/11 RIP - My NCAA Tournament Bracket

   I find it very funny that all the women who say Trump is a sexist pig are saying farewell to Hugh Hefner who did nothing but exploit women all his life....

   I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter's date. ..then I told him it's much faster after 11pm

   I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

   Interview Tip: wear your tie around your head like rambo so they know you're serious about business

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   So...how does this Bernie Sanders redistribution work? If I have $10 and my friend has $20, he has to give me $5, right??

   K-mart is starting their Halloween sale. They have a lovely selection of Christmas trees.

   how about a game of "just the tip"??