Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be famous and make a cure that saves tens of people!

   Manscaping now fully complete!! Waiting on the itching to commence!!

   My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."

   10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.

   If I were a pharmaceutical company, I'd name my next drug "Magnifizac".

   Overly wordy and verbose words are ubiquitous.

   In retrospect, I may have spent a little too much time huffing rubber cement in elementary school

   Just rubbed the blue dot from the National Enquirer (fingers crossed).

   I wasn't planning on going for a run today but then those cops showed up!

   Don't let your past tell you how to live your present and future!

   Have a status,leave one..need a status take one!

   You can lose alot of money chasing women but you'll never lose women chasing money!!

   Vuvuzelas are high-pitched, annoying and everywhere: the Justin Bieber of sports.

   tired of reading statuses about octopus Paul. Bake him already!

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   I'm in line at "the dollar tree" and a woman grabs a pregnancy test from the "impulse buy" section at the register. Who see's this in line, and thinks..."hey, I could use this for a buck" Your thoughts? Concerns?

   Don't wear memorable shoes when you're going to take a dump in the grocery store bathroom.

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   to get what we've never had, we must do what we've never done!

   I'm already a fan of good times, beer, and women..Why would I want to become a fan of anything else?!