Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being gay is ok. Being bisexual is ok. Being transgender is ok. Being straight is ok. Wearing crocs....no f*cking ok.

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall.

   People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.

   Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.

   "How do you find anything in here?!" --My mugger, giving my purse back

   .... Something isn't wrong because it's Illegal ....... It's Illegal because it's Wrong!

   The work day would be so much more fun if it were Casualty Friday

   Choose your ex wisely, they’ll be there for the rest of your life.

   I'm not complaining... I'm just saying it would be pretty bad ass if boobs were filled with coffee.

   And so my friends, this week rings in the 2013 holiday season. Everyone can now begin the time tested, seasonal tradition of turning into complete lunatics.

   You could pleasure me just by walking away.

   You know you're country, when the smell of a dairy reminds you of Oreos.

   Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

   Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.

   i got distracted by something and missed my ADHD meeting again.

   you can call me "Han" cause I've been solo for so long now

   Life sucks, But sometimes you get to have sex, And sometimes you get to drink beer.

   My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how freaking stupid some people are.

   The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people only lived to the ripe old age of 30.

   Dear Guys who chew gum like a cow eating grass; Thanks for making it so damn easy to look classy next to you. Sincerely, Me.