Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't text you, Beer and Vodka does!

   I'm not full of hate. There's still room for a little more.

   Roger Clemens is coming back to baseball at age 50. Proof that if you work hard and live right you'll lose your roster spot to Clemens.

   Cold toilet seats are no joke.

   Well... It's taken 3 hours to glue a top hat & cane to this frog but still no "hello my baby, hello my honey" song & dance... Cartoons lie kids

   I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.

   My wife likes to whisper in my ear during intimacy. Things like,"Did you remember to record Grey's Anatomy?"

   We'd be the perfect couple, if you'd stop spraying my eyes with mace.

   wondering why hump day can't ever be as good as it sounds!!

   Apparently a happy wife is a drunk wife.

   I'll say it again. Nothing spooks me like when a cat walks into the room I'm in, looks at absolutely nothing, their hair stands up, they freak and take off leaving me wondering what the hell I'm in the room with that I can't see.

   I followed my heart and now I have multiple restraining orders. B itches..

   I live in a country where what doesn't kill you, makes off with your TV.

   I've been ignored by better.

   In the grand scheme of things, we don't mean diddly squat. Get over yourself.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ I'm just ready for summer 2013.

   aaron roger and the nfl, how do you like those discount double check refs? signed the real nfl officiating crews

   The new CBA for NFL refs is a win/win for us all, not only will we have professional refs, our footlockers will again be fully staffed!

   You would think that by now there would be rap battle re enactors.

   There is a 100% chance I will never be depressed again if I could get myself a pet Panda.