Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...

   Women are strange creatures. My wife just told me that I needed to do some soul searching…..... so I Googled James Brown.

   Breaking news: Mail order brides from China are now up to 75% off!

   April Fools Day is a good day to confess your love to your crush. That way you can save face and say "April Fools!" if they reject you.

   I've got 2 tickets to paradise and it's closed due to Covid. FML

   Quaker Oats is retiring Aunt Jemima products after 130 years on the market due to an outcry of racism. Next up: The removal of Pillsbury mascot Poppin' Fresh, due to numerous complaints from short, chubby white guys.

   Went to Walmart today & y'all should've seen all the commotion. Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, and Uncle Ben were protesting, Texas Pete and Capt. Morgan were getting drunk, Little Debbie was working the corner, and Jimmy Dean was showing everybody his sa

   The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!

   “Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.

   A restraining order is kinda like a love note right?

   A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don't worry, another study says you're just being paranoid.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   Of course I still stalk you online I'm just making sure I don't miss the moment when karma finds you

   I put on my pants just like everyone else around here, reluctantly.

   Dogs are a man's best friend because they don't talk.

   Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!

   There is nothing more painful than watching the new girl make the sandwiches at Subways.

   Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.

   Technically, we're all half centaur.

   PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn't drink vodka so she won't drink all of yours.