Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hey ladies, fallin' head over heels in love only happens in your 20's.. After that the best you can hope for is heels over head

   We live on a world where smart people are called nerds and social outcast, and stupid people are the cool ones. And they get all the damn hot chicks.

   Mondays are like sandpaper for the soul.

   you know gas prices are high when they stop the NASCAR race & are waiting for the price to go down before they restart the race

   swears that about a third of my life is spent trying to remember why I have entered a room.

   One day, I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am.

   Dyed all our eggs green, so its officially a Green eggs and ham day

   BREAKING NEWS: Gingrich Quits Race to Join Secret Service

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.

   If you really cared you wouldn't ignore my text, neglect my feelings and forget my existence.

   You have a super power? That's nice. I'm friends with a pharmacist so my superpower is whatever the hell I want it to be

   Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.

   I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.

   Life sucks when a girlfriend doesn't

   Don't let someone build you, because they will have the power to destroy you whenever they want.

   Harrison Ford is a quarter Jew .NOT TOO SHABBYY!!

   I just cleaned out the fireplace so that "Santa won't get dirty". I did it for my son because I love him, even though he's delusional.

   My new year's resolution is to make better bad decisions.

   Teacher: 'David, if you have 5 sweets, and Paco asks you for 1 sweet, how many sweets do you have left??' David: '5'

   I'll take SPORTS SUPERSTARS for $1000 Alex. The answer: Allen Iverson and Randy Moss. *buzzes in* Who are 'people that no one wants on their team anymore?'