Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.

   Seriously though, nobody wants to hear your ringtone

   I hate Mondays more than a midget hates getting a Yo-Yo for Christmas.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro's neck.

   My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.

   Old lady in the blue track suit in front if me smells like garlic and moth balls. I would complain but I think she's a Crip!.

   I hate it when my girlfriend calls her period "that time of the month", I like to call it "blow job week"

   Don't ask me to respect your religion when you can't give me the same respect for not believing in yours.

   I found the key to happiness, giving the wife money for bingo and giving the kids the newest PS4 game.... Beer 30!

   Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

   Obama said he wouldn't let his son play football bc he fears it would cause dementia. Someone should tell Obama that he doesn't have a son.

   trying to kick the habit.... but nicotine gum is a hard habit to break...

   When I was a kid squirt guns were my favorite toy... Now I'm an adult and making women squirt is my favorite thing. I guess some things never change!

   How can someone who makes less than 200,000 a year vote Republican I'll never understand.

   So a man walks into a bar with a monkey.. I forgot the rest of the joke but your mother's a whòrë.

   A friend that steals your tortilla chips is, Nacho friend.

   TWILIGHT - An epic saga about a young woman's struggle to choose between Necrophilia and Bestiality

   I've heard that the hardest part of Rollerblading is telling your parents that you're gay.

   do snitches still get stiches under obamacare?

   Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there's no hard feelings