Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well now I'm screwed... everyone always tells me once you go black you never go back, but I left my keys in her apartment.

   remember the good ole days when you only had to worry about creepy white guys trying to eat your face.

   So I was in a banana suit earlier while I was eating a banana. I couldn't decide if it was canabalism or canabananalism.

   I'm not the smartest guy, I don't have a perfect body, and this started out as a status update but is now my suicide note.

   I just found some of my long lost relatives from Alabama on incestry.com

   The biggest lie I tell myself: I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.

   Sasha Gray,Bree Olsen,Lisa Ann,Lela Star,Mone Devine,Jasmine Byrne,Liz Vicious,Jade Marcella,Lavish Styles,Sky Lopez and Little Lupe......If all those names sound familiar to you I have news for you.

   Cab to go to bar: 30 dollars 4 rounds of beer to get your friend to tell you your ex is now a stripper: 70 dollars The look on your ex's face when you shove a single in her buttcrack: PRICELESS!

   Girls are like Jedi's, they can lift things without even touching them... if you know what I mean.

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, dats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   My mom always said to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was in a car accident and that's why I keep that thong in the glove box, honey.

   Being lonely, I don't sit at reserved tables. I like the furniture to be friendly and outgoing.

   Don't talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.

   I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.

   Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas

   Some of the happiest years of a woman's life are when she's 29.

   R.I.P to any guy that ever cheats on Ronda Rousey

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   Some people say Donald Trump is a fascist. There is nothing more fascist than shutting down someone's ideas. Think about that for a second....

   I'm disgusted when I see some old guy with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person.