Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."

   not looking for a slut....just someone with slut-like tendencies.....

   I want you all to know that no trees were harmed in the production of this message. However, a rather large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced….

   We were strangers when we met, now were even stranger!!

   Don't act sexist! B$tches hate that!

   The beatings will continue until morale improves.

   To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake: haha, in your face!

   So, I'm at the crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony is clearly not here... What a waste of time, and gas.

   Dang, these gas prices are higher than Charlie Sheen.

   Note to self: That was way to much beer!

   pulled more tail then a slow kid at a petting zoo.

   Why cant the apocalypse be sunday I have so much crap to do saturday..!!!!

   You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

   Nasa found a planet that has two suns. The fact that it's named Kepler-16b instead of Tatooine is a travesty. I bet Lucas threatened to sue.

   This weekends weather forecase includes scatterd showers throughout the day, a high of 76 degrees and a low of 60. ...Oh yeah, and theres probably gonna be a satellite falling from the sky. =|

   Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight

   ATTENTION STRIPPERS: Now that the US will be distributing coin dollars instead of bills, you might want to invest in a fanny pack, goggles, and a helmet. BOW CHIKA WOW WOW.

   happy to see that Octomom's Today Show interview cut short by the space shuttle launch. Why is she still on the news? It's not like she killed one of them, did she?

   Congress decided not to raise the debt ceiling. If China calls, let it go to voicemail

   Dear hackers, Until you break the great firewall of China, I'm not impressed.