Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Privilege is being given extra consideration based on what box you check for race on your college application.

   A cat jumps into a cab and yells, “Follow that red dot!”

   "Don't stop bereaving."..............Karaoke singer at a Japanese funeral..

   A gynaecologist is the only fool on earth who looks for problems in a place where others find pleasure.

   I just named my whiskey "Titanic" because it goes down better with ice.

   Ever since my cell phone fell in to the toilet, I've been getting real sh*tty reception...

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."

   not looking for a slut....just someone with slut-like tendencies.....

   I want you all to know that no trees were harmed in the production of this message. However, a rather large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced….

   We were strangers when we met, now were even stranger!!

   Don't act sexist! B$tches hate that!

   The beatings will continue until morale improves.

   To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake: haha, in your face!

   So, I'm at the crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony is clearly not here... What a waste of time, and gas.

   Dang, these gas prices are higher than Charlie Sheen.

   Note to self: That was way to much beer!

   pulled more tail then a slow kid at a petting zoo.

   Why cant the apocalypse be sunday I have so much crap to do saturday..!!!!

   You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

   Nasa found a planet that has two suns. The fact that it's named Kepler-16b instead of Tatooine is a travesty. I bet Lucas threatened to sue.