Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 things I want in a relationship: Eyes that wont cry, lips than wont lie, and love that wont die.

   wants a snuggie made out of sham wow material

   Change is inevitable... Unless your a vending machine

   Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

   """remember JESUS LOVES YOU... It's everyone else who thinks you're an idiot."""

   Stop Being Mean To Justin Bieber, She Has Feelings Too

   Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL Draft thing...

   How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?

   I'm cleaning out my car today, in case anyone needs 27 half-empty bottles of water.

   Sometimes,,, I wish marriage between a man and woman was illegal too.

   when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hip, thigh and rear

   Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"

   I molested myself last night. I said no but I knew I wanted it.

   Bruno Mars has the voice of an angel and the lyrics of a 13 year old girl.

   Real Music died in the early 90's.

   Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane... ? What were they so excited about?

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to blast Michael Jackson's "Thriller", while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.

   A BJ a days keep the sluts away from my man...

   Ladies: Call a man up right now and say "I need some d!ck" I bet you he'll be knocking on your front door before you even hang the phone up.

   Happy March 14th to all the MEN out there.... (not sure what it is?? GOOGLE IT)