Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bird took a dump on my car. So I waited until it left the nest and.... Oh man. You should have seen how confused the bird was...

   When you click a button you didn't mean to click, so you just kinda hold the click and drag your cursor around hoping it doesn't click.

   On my to the ER. I was preparing dinner and accidentally opened a can of whoop-ass.

   Sex education, the ONLY class I ever did home work for!!

   I've learned that sometimes I just have to check my ego at the door. Especially on such occasions when my ego won't fit through the door.

   wondering what wine goes best with cheerios?

   Every time I hear Earth Angel,,, I check my hands to make sure I'm not fading.

   I don’t care how many weights you can lift. You’ll never be Badass as the 64yo lady that swam 110miles from Cuba to FL, pus%ies.

   Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?

   If I got poked in real life as much as I get poked on Facebook, I'd be one happy woman and would never leave my room!!

   If ESPN had a cake show, they could call it "Laying Down a Bundt."

   ‎~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   if the farmer is in the dell, who's tending the farm?

   Weekend - you teased me! I was so enjoying you and then you went away. Come back. I miss you. (*sob, sob*)

   I'm petitioning Crayola to replace the "burnt orange" crayon with "burnt snooki"

   There is a great need for sarcasm font

   SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.

   When on vacation, don't take pictures of building...take pictures of moments...Keep them close to your heart and never let them go!

   what's the difference between a women with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks.