Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a girl says, "you have to watch this it's sooo funny, it made me pee my pants"-- I know I'm in for 2 minutes of suck.

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!

   When I was a kid, I used to sing, 'A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P'

   My New Year's Resolution? 1080p.

   Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus

   The #1 biggest lie from a girl: I'm fine...

   For me? Golf is a lot like women..... if she isn't holding my wood, she better be holding an iron.

   If your happy and you know it, Go away

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window “Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don't know window”.

   And Stonner Duudde is stealing from Marshell, who's stealing from Dane cook! Stop the madness!

   I spend 500% of my life exaggerating!

   I'm sweating like Jerry Sandusky at a Boy Scout camp.

   A: I forgot my glasses, I can't read sh*t! B: You're not supposed to read sh*t, you're supposed to read books… Unless you're a Twilight fan. Then you read sh*t!

   Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

   You know, when you think about it, based on her color and size Snookie would make a great buoy.

   I took 3 years of college chemistry and never once learned how to cook meth so don't tell me about your disappointments.

   They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream

   If gay couple want to get married and be just as miserable as straight couples, let'em.

   Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.

   Breaking News : The Army has been in contact with Tom Brady for advice on how to deflate the lost blimp.