Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll always remember the last words my dad said to me before he passed away. "What are you doing with that gun?"

   My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... So now I sit down to pee.

   Remember guys, while your checking some other girl out, someone else is checking out your girl. Appreciate what you have, or someone else will.

   Save as: "fjhdsk" ... The file "fjhdsk" already exists ... "fjhdsk 2".

   would give her right arm to be ambidextrous

   I hate seeing people who owe me money post pics of all they bought on Black friday

   May the millions of lights that shine today light up your life with endless prosperity, good fortune and joy. Sending you and your family warmest wishes for a wonderful and happy Diwali, from India

   Sarah Palin must be looking at Michele Bachmann and feeling the way the Jonas Brothers felt about Justin Bieber.

   Got pulled over by the cops today and he ask me if I had a police record ..... I said yes ....every breath you take and don't stand so close to me........ Now what is my lawyer phone number

   "I ain't even trying to wave at you, I've got better things to do with my hands" oh bad girls club you never cease to entertain

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought and nearly died for my right to party...

   Buying 12 cases of diet soda a week is defeating the purpose of diet soda

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I got a phone call saying "Excuse me, do you know for sure that you've been saved by the Lord?" I said "Why, has he told you something?"

   If you see a dude at the park with a case of beer, making homeless people dance for a can, come over and shake my hand.

   You can learn al ot from cartoons. He-Man always taught us you can solve problem by using a sword.

   Dear "OK", you should be arrested for killing conversations.

   I was thinking about stripping.. but in my condition..I dont think any club have a ramp to get my a$$ up on stage and reinforced titanium poles

   Grammatically correct affirmations? Now, that is something about which I am talking.

   Twitter makes me love people I've never met and Facebook makes me hate people I know in real life.