Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS: United States resumes not caring about soccer, looks forward to NFL Football in September

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

   Everybody would agree that 2009 has been a hard year for all of us.

   For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

   Ladies stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

   Yes I know it's 09/09/09 I don't need 100 text messages letting me know. I have a calendar!

   putting on his mistletoe belt buckle!" .

   wishing everyone a "Happy Earth Day", and is reminding you to keep our planet clean, it's not Uranis..

   Why do you bake cookies and cook bacon

   Dont buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...

   wondering if Michael Jackson will ever return from the dead to make a Thriller 2

   you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up

   So Mark McGwire has admitted to using steroids. In other shocking news, Snoop Dogg has admitted to using marijuana, and Bill O'Reilly has a big mouth.

   Wishing all a Happy Easter, and hoping the Easter Bunny craps out a huge chocolate filled egg for you!-)

   Never steal. The government hates competition.

   a wise monkey never monkeys with another monkeys monkey

   Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me.

   I am rotating the tire on my unicycle!

   I bet you were one of those kids that ate the paste while gluing on cotton balls to make Santa's beard.

   First, Love Yourself!..........Everyone Else, get in line!!!