Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Mark McGwire has admitted to using steroids. In other shocking news, Snoop Dogg has admitted to using marijuana, and Bill O'Reilly has a big mouth.

   Wishing all a Happy Easter, and hoping the Easter Bunny craps out a huge chocolate filled egg for you!-)

   Never steal. The government hates competition.

   a wise monkey never monkeys with another monkeys monkey

   Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me.

   I am rotating the tire on my unicycle!

   Dont buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...

   wondering if Michael Jackson will ever return from the dead to make a Thriller 2

   you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up

   putting on his mistletoe belt buckle!" .

   wishing everyone a "Happy Earth Day", and is reminding you to keep our planet clean, it's not Uranis..

   Why do you bake cookies and cook bacon

   I bet you were one of those kids that ate the paste while gluing on cotton balls to make Santa's beard.

   First, Love Yourself!..........Everyone Else, get in line!!!

   Just watched Die Hard 2. People in 1990 sure knew how to shrug off a plane crash.

   saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.

   I MISS MY GIRLFRIEND SO MUCH!!!!! Can someone please tell me If the lettuce goes over, or under the ham!

   My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.

   Before you judge the younger generation remember who raised them.

   Today, I again lulled myself in to believing that I can eat at a Taco Bell without ending up screaming for an epidural from the men's room.