Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana...

   Big shout out to Jason Voorhees! Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight with a lot of love making....Be there or be square!!

   Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

   Some people say saying 'I'm sorry' is a sign of weakness, I think saying 'I'm sorry' takes alot of strength...

   I'm not redneck enough to bang a cousin, but I'm redneck enough to have thought about it.

   My signature move is pulling up my pants with a police flashlight shining in my face.

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for lent.

   Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A. Whichever of the two was male.

   Great!! An attack by North Korea means that we will have to wait 50 years before Samsung gets a chance to sell their new Galaxy S4.

   If you're going to the polls with someone today and one of you is voting for Obama, and the other is voting for Romney....should you even bother going?

   I don't like mornings because that's when old people are the strongest.

   Dear Vegetarians, if you really want to save the animals then stop eating their food...

   Cerebrospinal fluid (facebook asks what's on my mind)

   Being a nice guy wasn't working for me so I converted to douche bagism.

   You can take my advice, I’m not going to use it.

   You know you're jealous when you can't even find a reason for your hate.

   Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.

   Told my wife I was going to build a deck last summer, but instead I built a really sweet pile of 2x4s in the garage.

   Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

   [walks up to a group of teens] hey guys when I was your age I was also dumb as hell