Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know who makes more idle threats: Iran threatening the U.S. Navy in the Persian Gulf or Rex Ryan of the Jets threatening to win a Superbowl every year?

   Why does it have to be believer versus atheist? Can't we all just look down on those astrology weirdo's?

   If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I'd pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.

   My 1st relationship taught me that men and women aren't all that different. And my 2nd one taught me that my first gf was a tranny.

   WARNING: Reflections in this mirror may be distorted by socially constructed ideas of 'beauty'

   There are many benefits of being fat over being skinny. Take Buddha, for instance, he was too heavy to be put on a cross, so they told him to just sit there, quietly.

   Ladies: Before you marry a guy, ask yourself, "will he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"

   Midgets that go missing get their faces put on the backs of condensed milk.

   If you hold up a Shell and listen, you should hear the clerk tell you that he doesn't want any trouble.

   So Not Paying Your Child Support CAN cost you Your Life!

   Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.

   I bet Mary and Joseph were like "Gee thanks little drummer boy. Cause the one thing every sleep deprived parent wants for their newborn is a drum solo!"

   Just because you call your kid an angel doesn't mean he is one. Lucifer was an angel too.

   I farted on my wallet, now I have gas money.

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office

   This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.

   Don’t be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they’re still getting an answer.

   It's so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!

   Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.

   10 yr old suspended from school for pointing finger like a gun. Where will this end? If fingers are outlawed, only 10 yr olds will have fingers.