Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cool like the other side of the pillow

   Imagine if the Amish had Facebook and played Mafia wars it would go sumtin like this ...."You were attacked by Don Yoder he has beaten you with A hoe, 3 horse n buggies, 6 bonnets, 3 aprons and a goat taking 1 energy and built you a chair!!!!!"

   How do you find will smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints...

   Im so happy Facebook wasnt around when I was in high school.

   There should be a Breast Cancer Awareness T-shirt that says "Yes they're fake! My real one's tried to kill me!"

   Does Jimmy Biden or Joe Carter have the better ring to it?

   alot of people when they go to concerts they yell out "Wooo! or Yeah!" I like to yell out more specific things like "The way you play you're Music makes feel Good Inside!!"

   you know why guns are better the woman? You can put a silencer on a gun

   NOTHING is more awkward then walking down an empty hallway and passing someone who you use to talk to but don't anymore.

   if someone sends me one more Farmville invite, I will banish your animals to a galaxy far, far away and set fire to your crops.

   Anyone else hate when there mom says they have to go to bed because it's too late? I mean really mom... it's 9 pm I know you are just looking out for me but I am 35 and I deserve some respect!

   When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I'll wait a sec then ask "two man killing spree?"

   I'm kinda like Han Solo. Always strokin my own wookie

   There's a new product called "Texthook" that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, "OMG, I just crashed my baby into another baby!"

   Do Not Disturb I I am already disturbed enough

   took a viagra pill today but it got caught in my throat and not I have a stiff neck.

   wonders why, if vegetarian food tastes so good, do they keep eating Turkey-flavored this, Sausage-like that, and Meat-like Balls Marinara?

   knowledge is knowing that pepper is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red

   I you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.