Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There should be a Breast Cancer Awareness T-shirt that says "Yes they're fake! My real one's tried to kill me!"

   Does Jimmy Biden or Joe Carter have the better ring to it?

   alot of people when they go to concerts they yell out "Wooo! or Yeah!" I like to yell out more specific things like "The way you play you're Music makes feel Good Inside!!"

   you know why guns are better the woman? You can put a silencer on a gun

   NOTHING is more awkward then walking down an empty hallway and passing someone who you use to talk to but don't anymore.

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red

   I you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

   Cleaning the house while the kids are awake is like trying to rake leaves in a hurricane.

   9 out of 10 doctors think that other one is just a hater

   I'm kinda like Han Solo. Always strokin my own wookie

   if someone sends me one more Farmville invite, I will banish your animals to a galaxy far, far away and set fire to your crops.

   Anyone else hate when there mom says they have to go to bed because it's too late? I mean really mom... it's 9 pm I know you are just looking out for me but I am 35 and I deserve some respect!

   When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I'll wait a sec then ask "two man killing spree?"

   wonders why, if vegetarian food tastes so good, do they keep eating Turkey-flavored this, Sausage-like that, and Meat-like Balls Marinara?

   knowledge is knowing that pepper is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad

   There's a new product called "Texthook" that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, "OMG, I just crashed my baby into another baby!"

   Do Not Disturb I I am already disturbed enough

   took a viagra pill today but it got caught in my throat and not I have a stiff neck.

   Every woman on earth cheats on her man with suitor named Bob. (BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIEND)

   I hate it when your watching the most important part of a movie, and some idiot walks in the room and asks stuff like "who is he" "what is going on" "did that car just explode". Seriously, just watch the movie or get out!!!