Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love to go shopping and freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I'd like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

   if my plunger could talk... i'd offer it a mint

   Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.

   The best things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we kiss, sleep and dream.

   Home Depot has opened their own pharmacy and the hottest item is their version of a male enhancement pill. The side effect is when a pretty girl walks by your garage door opens.

   So Lebron is keeping a list... you know who else is keeping a list? Delonte West. and you know who's mom is on there???

   So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.

   Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

   "I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

   There are more men than women in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

   Figured It Out Black Friday is Like Child birth,U know Its gonna Be a LONG process,Ur Even excited about it the night B4 It Happens BUT as soon as it starts It Hurts Like Hell,U Wanna Kill Every1,pray that it ends soon & promises to never 2 do it again

   my New Year's Resolution is to travel back in time and stop Jersey Shore from EVER being made.

   The hot neighbor chick snores. ...... When she's being watched....... From her closet. ..... Apparently!

   Tiger Woods ended his week at the Masters with an impressive 69.. His golf was also quite successful.

   Alcohol doesn't solve your problems…Neither does milk.

   likes the 80's too, but ur not going to catch me snorting blow off the hood of a DeLorean!

   Somebody make her a dude so I can punch her!!

   I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.

   $50 & going on a shopping spree at the 99¢ store!!!

   please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do rembe Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.