Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

   Just had a fight with my toaster it wouldn't let go of my Eggo..R.I.P dear toaster you should have let go of the fricken Eggo

   I love to go shopping and freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I'd like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

   if my plunger could talk... i'd offer it a mint

   Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.

   The best things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we kiss, sleep and dream.

   Home Depot has opened their own pharmacy and the hottest item is their version of a male enhancement pill. The side effect is when a pretty girl walks by your garage door opens.

   So Lebron is keeping a list... you know who else is keeping a list? Delonte West. and you know who's mom is on there???

   Bear Grylls would eat that

   the world's oldest ww1 veteran just turned 108 today...he recently finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan.

   I remember when wearing Hollister meant you have money, not wearing Hollister means you ran out of money

   "My wife had her driving test today. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear." Rodney Dangerfield.

   I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   I wish I was as popular 20yrs ago in HS the way I am now on Facebook!

   If you're playing checkers on a boat with a monkey, how many ducks does it take to change the oil in a fish tank?

   Tiger Woods ended his week at the Masters with an impressive 69.. His golf was also quite successful.

   Alcohol doesn't solve your problems…Neither does milk.

   likes the 80's too, but ur not going to catch me snorting blow off the hood of a DeLorean!

   Somebody make her a dude so I can punch her!!

   I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.