Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went too bed at 1:30 2 times last night

   Forget the Mayans, if Twinkies makers don't return to work by 5 pm, the world ends today.

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.......... If you're almost there & she laughs, now that's a different thing.....

   Those women who claim to be offended the "C" word, are usually the biggest ones.

   I'm white but I'm not "call a radio station to try to win Bon Jovi tickets" white.

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What!? I took an oath!

   Today at work the Boss asks me to start my presentation with a joke, On the 1st slide was a copy of my paycheck!!

   "That's what" -She

   You're hot, wet, extremely satisfying. You always put a smile on my face and you're the first thing I want in my mouth when I wake up. Ahhhh COFFEE!

   Holding my phone while in the tub is similar to holding a loved one over a cliff.

   Why is it as a grown man living in your own home you cannot touch those "special" pillows on the couch, but those grandkids can come over and toss them everywhere and its cute?

   Time flies when you're having fun, so the more you enjoy life the quicker you'll be dead.

   "You have sexy calves." -Pedophile bull

   A man trying to get sex is like a cat trying to get food. They’re never more affectionate or persistent and once you give in, they don't need you anymore.

   Theres nothing worse than when someone starts ignoring you before you've had the chance to disappoint them sexually.

   Wake me up when everything isn't pumpkin flavored.

   OK, here's how it's going to be....Love me or leave me...understand? Hold on.....wait.....hey....where's everybody going??

   "Love me. Love me more. More. More. More! Damn you over did it, bye!" - Women

   Dear God, when I said I wanted a salary with six zeros in it,,, I didn't mean only zeros.

   So let me get this straight...The Hulk smashes cars and breaks things and people call him "incredible". I do it and people call me an "alcoholic" because I'm not green.