Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when stupid people try & make YOU feel stupid because they don't understand you.

   Like you've never tried using the Force to reach the remote.

   You can drown in two inches of water. I'm not reciting facts, I'm making suggestions.

   Caught me a leprechau! He kept yelling at me, saying he's going to call the cops and sue me....ha, witty little leprechaun I know ur tricks.

   I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.

   I took a lie detector test the other day, I sure hope I can sell it on ebay

   What's the best way to staple someone's face to their desk and make it look like an accident?

   Me??? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions... We're catch-and-release vegetarians.

   Setting up eggs on the fence and letting the kids shoot at 'em with paintball guns. That's how we do it in the country!

   Facebook stalking is lame. It also takes all the fun out of physical stalking.

   she serious with that outfit? Why doesn't she just paste a "For Sale" sign across her chest?

   If you don't have anything nice to say... Put it on twitter

   If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. And if they refuse to be let go, get a restraining order.

   Fun fact: If you took the skin of an average person and laid it flat you would have enough to get a pretty serious criminal conviction.

   My panic room is any public bathroom that has run out of toilet paper

   Time for you children of the 80s to feel old. Sheena Easton turns 53 yesterday. Think about that while you are on the morning train.

   Jay-Z has vowed to never use the word "bi$ch" again. I guess he has 100 problems now.

   I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, & Real Sh!t..

   I'm thinking of doing a butter sculpture of a stick of butter. I hope nobody has done that one yet.

   My wife always gets the last word in on any argument...anything I say afterwards is the beginning of a new one