Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This Lego d ildo wasn't a good idea at all.

   This guy doesn't appreciate me following him around with a barcode scanner but he should've thought of that before he got that stupid tattoo

   I never met a donut with a lifespan of more than five seconds.

   I know,,,, Let's vote the pool water off that new celebrity diving show

   1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my p eni$."

   Stop talking.... Listen.... Maybe you're the problem.

   My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".

   If there's one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it's... "Goonies never say die!"

   I'd like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

   Cement your friend zone status by calling a girl “dude.”

   When they say "all expenses paid," does that include bail?

   sometimes I can't figure out if I'm in preschool or high school oh wait I'm at work

   Mistakes married women make: 1. Assuming he heard you. 2. Assuming he understood you. 3. Assuming he'll remember. 4. Marrying a man.

   Hate is such a strong word. That's exactly why I use it.

   My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

   No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!

   who knew a politician named wiener could get into so much trouble?

   It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…

   When a man has a firm handshake, it's confident and authoritative. When a woman has one, it's just creepy...

   I need a safe word to protect myself during masturbation.