Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What good is one phone call in jail if they won't let me use my cell to find the number, no one remembers phone numbers these days!

   I think Its funny that my dad has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987

   Just opened a new tube of pringles - but disappointed - there's only three in there, and they're all tennis ball flavour.

   Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white

   My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   I like my women like I like my alcohol. Gone in the morning...

   If you watch an Apple store get robbed... are you an iWitness?

   What happens on Santa's lap.......stays on Santa's lap.

   McDonalds is opening their first restaurant in Vietnam next year. McDonalds slogan "loving you long time"!!!

   If you are keeping up with the Kardashians and you are a guy, I have bad news for you. You may not already know this but you are gay.

   I was angry when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it

   British accent: Justin Biebah. American: Justin Biebur. Australian: Jastin Beybah. You just tried out all of the accents, didnt you?

   My girl says she doesn't want me j@rking off in the shower anymore. I told her its my d!ck and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.

   if you are texting from your apple device.... just so you know when you hit send it's routed to a sweatshop in China, then retyped and sent out again.

   Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.

   Posts like "Bad boys ain't no good, good boys ain't no fun. Me and Mr Wrong get along so good, Even though he breaks my heart so bad ♥"....Is exactly why us men only really want sex from women.

   Cheating on a good girl is like throwing away a daimond and picking up a rock.

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

   LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.

   I can't understand why Burger King is getting so much credit for their Whopper delivery idea when I've been providing the same free service to lonely women since 1983....Such a thankless job! ツ